ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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