my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
