Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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