Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
