If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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