why didn't you poke me back
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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