P.S. I can't hear my feet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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