I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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