wrigley field is MILF paradise
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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