I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
