Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
