Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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