My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
