My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
