No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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