keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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