And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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