whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
