My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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