omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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