she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
