Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
