Your face is a jimmy john
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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