Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
