That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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