Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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