Me too!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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