Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
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