he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Operation Purity has been aborted
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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