I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
