if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
