...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
