butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
