ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
