After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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