Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
