I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
