I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
me + whiskey = a bad person
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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