Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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