Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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