i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
