The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize