You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
