Please, let me fuck your mom
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
