The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
