we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
