his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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