I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize