Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
