You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
