I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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