my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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