she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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