Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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