why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
