well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
