Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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